


i look myself in the face and whisper, i'm in the wrong place

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: dimension 20 [23]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Campaign 05: A Crown of Candy, Child Abandonment, Drabble, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24915301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: Saccharina feels herself shaking- with terror; with pain; with rage- but no tears fall. As a nun opens the door and ushers her inside, the skies rumble with the sound of thunder, and Saccharina’s fist clenches.
Series: dimension 20 [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1706107
Comments: 13
Kudos: 31





	i look myself in the face and whisper, i'm in the wrong place

**Author's Note:**

> this will likely prove non canon compliant but in the meantime i love my new wife and vibe with her backstory so here you go

Saccharina is eight, standing alone on the steps of the nunnery, watching her mother walk away. There is no hitch in Catherine Ghee’s step, and she gives no regretful looks over her shoulder. Saccharina feels herself shaking- with terror; with pain; with rage- but no tears fall. As a nun opens the door and ushers her inside, the skies rumble with the sound of thunder, and Saccharina’s fist clenches.

The nuns look at her and whisper to each other and Saccharina doesn’t understand. She dreams of a woman with marbled blue skin and a stern expression and soft eyes who tells her, _you are my brother’s daughter_.

Lazuli tells her to embrace the thunder that rumbles in her veins, tells her about Candia’s magic, and when Saccharina tells the nuns she doesn’t belong here, that she _has_ a family, they frown at her and tell her to go pray for forgiveness for her lies. 

Saccharina prays and prays and the thunder in her veins gets louder and she knows what it is but to even think the word _magic_ is sinful, and Lazuli frowns when she talks about the nuns and the bulb and _such things as silly as sin_. The nuns frown when she talks about Lazuli, and as the nuns get angrier- more fearful- Saccharina stops dreaming of anything but pain and prayers and the blazing light of the Bulb. Lazuli stops coming.

Saccharina stops reaching out, spends a horrible few weeks curled up, hurting, alone physically and emotionally, until she decides she needs to leave. She is fifteen and she doesn’t know where she’s going to go. But she is. She sneaks into the Abbess’ quarters and steals maps, sneaks into the kitchen and steals food, and when she’s a few miles from the nunnery, she sneaks into a farmhouse and steals a shirt and trousers. They’re several sizes too big and made of simple clothing, but Saccharina is used to ill-fitting, plain clothing, and leaves her nunnery clothes behind as a sort of repayment.

She needs to get to Candia. She doesn’t how she’ll get there, doesn’t know what she’ll do there, but she _will_ get there, and she’ll bring the magic back. She _will_.

But for now, as she stands alone in stolen clothes carrying stolen maps, wild thunder rolling through her, she decides she needs to get to Lacramor. She’ll make something of herself there, she’ll be strong, and powerful, and _magical_ , and she’ll have done it without her mother, without the nuns, without _anyone_ but herself. And then when she meets her father, she’ll be someone he’ll be proud of.

Lightning cracks in the skies above her as she starts walking.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the outsider by MARINA


End file.
